Tag: relationships

A HORSE BROUGHT US HERE by Dershie McDevitt

November 5, 2024 / Kyle Wendy Skultety / 0 Comments

Excitement grows all day Friday in the quiet Wyoming cattle town of Juniper as cheerleaders and football players ready themselves for the biggest football game of the year. When the Homecoming Parade finally wends its way down Main Street, everyone strains to see who’s been chosen Homecoming Queen. They clap delightedly when they spot BJ Bonniface in her pink strapless formal sitting high on the back of the big Buick convertible, though no one is surprised. She’s the popular steady girlfriend of star quarterback, Rob Hitchcock. Life continues to unwind as life is expected to on such iconic weekends. The home team even wins the game. But on Monday morning, Juniper High is shaken to its foundations when the announcement is made that the Homecoming Queen is dead.

“Act as if nothing has changed,” advises the Dean of Women. “Carry on as normal for the good of the school.” But there are those in the student body who doubt that BJ died from a bee sting. How are they to carry on? Her best friend, Nella Fortune, and her boyfriend, Rob, have private and personal reasons to question the story, but there is no one to go to and nothing to be done. Both will sleepwalk through the rest of their senior years, consumed with what they know and what they cannot tell. But the clock is ticking. How long can such a secret be kept?

In A HORSE BROUGHT US HERE, Dershie masterfully weaves the tapestry of small-town fiction into a tense, disturbing story. She invites readers to travel back to a time when life looked simple but often was not. With every turn of the page, she evokes our nostalgia for a time in the West when some of life’s mysteries may have been best kept buried.

Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for this review copy!

Small town Juniper, Wyoming is not what it seems to be. Everyone knows everyone else, but no one knows the dark undercurrents that simmer beneath the surface. It is 1950, and the tragic death of homecoming queen Bobby Jo Bonniface threatens to bring some dark secrets and chilling lies to the attention of the unsuspecting townsfolk. The seemingly idyllic town is revealed to harbor a multitude of concealed truths, each with the potential to disrupt the fragile balance of community life.

Bobby Jo (fondly known as BJ), her quarterback boyfriend Rob, and BJ’s best friends Nella and Midge are all in high school, enjoying themselves with nary a thought to their future. Playing Elvis tunes on the radio, rooting for their school football team, and underage drinking with friends are some of the ways they spend time together.

Rob, much like the town of Juniper, is initially presented as a reliable and steady presence. His relationship with Bobby Jo seems to be perfect, yet there are hints of underlying tensions and unspoken secrets. The revelation of Bobby Jo’s pregnancy adds a layer of complication to their bond, exposing the fragility of their connection and the challenges they faced as young people in a conservative society.

Nella and Bobby Jo have a bond that has withstood the complexities of adolescent friendship and matured along with the both of them. That relationship is tested by the pressures of high school, the changing dynamics of their lives, and ultimately, by tragedy. Midge, whose personality and opinions are markedly different from the other girls, rounds out the trio of friends and confidants.

BJ is the tragic centerpiece of the story. Portrayed as the quintessential small-town sweetheart of the star quarterback, she embodies the idealized image of youthful perfection. Yet, beneath this flawless exterior, she is a multifaceted and troubled young woman. BJ and Rob’s relationship is the main element of the novel’s narrative. On the surface, both teens appear to be typical high school sweethearts, destined for a future together. However, as the story moves forward, a troubling dynamic between the two characters is revealed.

The author has framed the telling of the story such that we are able to experience the events from the point of view of multiple narrators. There is not a lot of overlap, meaning that the same event is not described twice. Each chapter’s voice moves the plot forward, and I was enthralled and horrified as I turned the pages, impatiently waiting to see what would happen next.

BJ’s demise is shrouded in mystery, which helped hold my interest, as it was not immediately obvious what happened to her. Along the way, it is revealed that she was pregnant and facing a frightening and unsure future. BJ and Rob’s connection becomes tenuous, and fraught with the challenges that come with growing up in a rigid, conservative society. Rob and BJ both feel emotional turmoil as they struggle to make the “right” decision as adults, despite their tender age. Bobby Jo’s pregnancy shatters the town’s perception of innocence. The characters’ subsequent actions, including the cover-up of her death, create a miasma of lies and hatred.

One of the novel’s strengths lies in its vivid portrayal of small-town life in 1950s Wyoming. The author fills the storyline with nostalgic references to popular culture, and captures the claustrophobic atmosphere of Juniper, where everyone knows everyone’s business and there is intense pressure to conform. After BJ’s death, a chilling statement by the school’s guidance counselor to Nella and Midge, encouraging them to continue setting a good example by NOT outwardly mourning their beloved friend, stunned me.

Miss Cantor had even called us back to her office as the start of the spring semester to reinforce how important it was to keep setting that good example. Everyone’s senior year didn’t need to be ruined. “I don’t want you to allow yourself to me morose about BJ, girls. We will face our loss quietly and show our character by not imposing our feelings on our classmates.” Those last months of high school, Midge and I sleepwalked through a nightmare from which we could not awake.

Growing up in an insular town such as Juniper may serve to both idolize and misunderstand pretty, popular girls. BJ’s character faces pressures exemplified by young women in a society that often prioritizes appearance over substance. The intense emotions of high school, such as first love, issues of belonging, and the desire to be “bigger” than the confines of their small town are expertly rendered as well.

A HORSE BROUGHT US HERE is a coming-of-age story at its core, illustrating the complexities of adolescence and the devastating consequences of a single moment. The characters, particularly Nella and Rob, are forced to confront the challenges and responsibilities of adulthood in the wake of tragedy. They both cycle through the various stages of shock, denial, and acceptance, finally reaching the (sometimes scant) comforts of personal growth. The ending is bittersweet, but very authentic.

Want your own copy? You can pick it up here.

THE FETISHIST by Katherine Min

February 6, 2024 / Kyle Wendy Skultety / 0 Comments

Thanks to NetGalley for this review copy!

THE FETISHIST is a novel by Katherine Min, a Korean American author who passed away in 2019. The book, which will be published posthumously in 2024, tells the story of Kyoko, a young woman who seeks revenge on Daniel, a violinist who had an affair with her mother, Emi, and allegedly caused her suicide. Kyoko’s plan goes wrong from the start, and she finds herself in a twisted relationship with Daniel, who has a fetish for Asian women. The novel is a dark comedy that explores the themes of race, gender, identity, and fetishization with humor and sharp insight.

This is a provocative and poignant work that challenges the stereotypes and power dynamics that shape Asian femininity and anti-Asian racism. It is also a testament to Min’s talent and vision as a writer who was able to craft a compelling and timely story before her untimely death. THE FETISHIST is a book that will make you laugh, cry, and think.

Min portrays Kyoko as a complex and conflicted character, who struggles with her Asian American identity and her resentment towards Daniel, who represents the white male gaze that objectifies and exoticizes Asian women. Kyoko also has a fetish for violins, which symbolizes her connection to her mother and her desire for artistic expression. Daniel, on the other hand, is a pathetic and oblivious figure, who fails to recognize his own privilege and prejudice. Alma, a woman who suffers from a terminal illness, is also a victim of Daniel’s neglect and infidelity.

The novel is written with Min’s signature style of sharp wit, vivid imagery, and poignant emotion. She captures the nuances of Kyoko’s voice and perspective, as well as the dynamics of the relationships between the characters. She also injects humor and irony into the narrative, which balances the dark and tragic aspects of the story. The novel is a testament to Min’s talent and vision, which sadly was cut short by her death in 2019. THE FETISHIST is a brilliantly conceived story that is relevant to today’s world.

To illustrate some of the novel’s themes and insights, here are some quotes from the book:

“Daniel experienced the peculiar brand of despair that comes from getting what you wanted the second you realize you don’t want it anymore, and worse, he realized that he had never really wanted it in the first place, and that he hadn’t wanted the same thing the last time either…”

“It made Kyoko furious that this was the moment that kept returning to her, that the memory of her mother dead had become more vivid for her than any memory of her alive.”

(Daniel) “had always loved music more than anything else in the world. More than his wife, more than his daughter, more than himself. Music was his escape, his salvation, his addiction.”

Rickey’s thoughts on Alma: “…most beautiful things could seem freakish, even ugly, from certain angles, because beauty was strange and singular and often unsettling.”

Daniel’s thoughts on Alma: :…Alma’s beauty seemed apiece with the music she made, as ravishing as any work of art Daniel had encountered in Florence – any Madonna, Venus, or Magdalene. More than any musician he knew, Alma could seduce you, tease you into rapt attention, and beyond, to an ardent, prolonged arousal.”

“But in spite of her cuteness, her size (5’ 3”, 103 lbs) and her age (23), Kyoko’s life had been deformed by grief, in turn, twisted to hate, hate hammered to anger, until the anger, the hate, and the grief had been grotesquely fused. Kyoko believed that violence would alleviate all three. In fact, she had bet on it.”

I found this novel to be captivating and thought-provoking. It was easy to be drawn into Kyoko’s journey of revenge and self-discovery, as well as the other characters’ struggles and secrets. I admired Min’s skillful storytelling and powerful language, which made me laugh, cry, and reflect. I also appreciated how she addressed the issues of racism and sexism that affect Asian women in particular, and how she challenged the stereotypes and expectations that society imposes on them. I was extremely impressed with the author’s use of uncommon vocabulary and the intimate knowledge of classical music and the singular people who wield their instruments. This novel is an important and timely contribution to contemporary literature, and I highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys dark comedy, complex characters, and social commentary.

Want your own copy? You can pick it up here.

Heart Conditions by Phoebe Fox

March 15, 2016 / Kyle Wendy Skultety / 0 Comments

Running a massively successful relationship counseling practice should guarantee smooth sailing in a girl’s own love life…

Breakup Doctor Brook Ogden has spent the last year sifting through the fallout from the disastrous decision that led to her unconscious uncoupling with boyfriend Ben Garrett. Despite advising her clients you can’t be friends with an ex, she and Ben have somehow begun to stitch together a friendship—one Brook hopes is slowly turning into more. That is, until Ben introduces his new girlfriend, Perfect Pamela, a paragon of womanly virtues who is everything Brook is not.

While Brook navigates her newly volatile emotional life, an unwelcome surprise shows up on her doorstep: the ex-fiancé who broke her heart two years ago—one month before their wedding. Between her ex’s desire to rekindle their attachment, her best friend Sasha’s unexpected crisis, and her own unsquelchable feelings for Ben, Brook finds herself questioning the personal progress she’s made in the last two years—and threatened with the highest-stakes Breakup Doctor failures she’s ever faced.

Thanks to the author, Henery Press and NetGalley for offering me this review copy!

HEART CONDITIONS is the 3rd book in the Breakup Doctor series. Each book can be read as a standalone or in order, so I had no trepidation about reading this one as a single.

The Breakup Doctor is a relationship therapist who is having a hard time taking her own advice when it comes to her ex boyfriends. She still has feelings for one, and the other, who broke her heart, still has feelings for her. So there is a very tame triangle going on here, which should delight chick lit lovers everywhere.

In fact, this book is like a “how to” of chick lit: there is a strong yet vulnerable heroine, plus darkly handsome (and sometimes reticent) ex boyfriends, a best friend with a personal crisis, and drama on the job front. So many things to resolve before the book ends, plus gorgeous descriptions of clothing, clubs, and restaurants!

Brook is a likeable character, quick to solve other’s problems but totally unsure what to do with her personal life. She learns a startling truth about herself in the latter half of the book, thereby creating an explanation for some of her strange antics, such as bringing her pregnant friend to a BDSM club simply to get the pregnant one “more comfortable” dealing with babies. (The club caters to all sorts of BDSM situations, and there were people whose fetish was dressing up as a baby – diaper and all.) There is no explicit sex in the book, which was enjoyable. Some writers feel they have to insert a sex scene here and there to offset the saccharine romance, but if the romance is done right, as in HEART CONDITIONS, you don’t need sweaty gropes and moans.

The romantic tension was spot on, as Brook struggled to cope with her ex and his new girlfriend, who has looks, brains, and poise. Her internal monologues described exactly what every woman has gone through when encountering a still-fresh wound. Brook’s problems are real and eminently solvable, yet the answers don’t come easy. She must do some soul searching to discover what she wants, and most importantly, why.

This book was a pleasant and sometimes funny read. The chemistry between Brook and Sasha was authentic, even if Brook was occasionally not on the same page as her BFF. Almost all the problems were solved by the end of the book, plus new things are on the horizon for our Breakup Doctor that should prove to be interesting. Fans of author Phoebe Fox will be anxiously awaiting the next book in the series.

Want your own copy? You can pick it up [easyazon_link identifier=”B017WNIUI6″ locale=”US” nw=”y” tag=”gimmethatbook-20″]here[/easyazon_link].

Loving Someone With Attention Deficit Disorder by Susan Tschudi

September 8, 2015 / Kyle Wendy Skultety / 0 Comments

Your partner’s attention deficit disorder (ADD) may not seem like a big deal at first, but eventually, the dynamics surrounding his or her impulsivity, forgetfulness, distractibility, and restlessness can really strain your relationship. You don’t want to act like a parent, yet you may feel like you can’t rely on your partner to get things done. Loving Someone with Attention Deficit Disorder is your guide to navigating a relationship with someone with ADD so you can create healthy boundaries while remaining sympathetic to your partner’s symptoms. An essential resource for every couple affected by ADD, this book will help you:

• Understand medication and other treatments
• Recover quickly when your partner’s symptoms frustrate you
• Establish personal boundaries to avoid excessive caretaking
• Identify and take care of your own needs so you can feel more relaxed

Thanks to Cassie Kolias at New Harbinger Publications for providing this review copy!

This book is an addition to my AD/HD shelf. Having read work by renowned author Gina Pera, I was eager to see what this author had to say.

The first chapter was golden. Tschudi’s style is very simple, easy to understand, and speaks to the reader in an understated tone that seems comforting somehow. I especially was affected by the part where she states that ADD is a neurobiological issue—you cannot change your partner no more than you can expect a paraplegic to walk. Obviously you can assist your partner in managing his life better, but first and foremost, he must see the issue and want to do something about it.

That is where the book begins to break down. Much of the rest of Tschudi’s advice is partly helpful, but not relevant to some situations. I did feel that this work would be most helpful to couples whose communication skills are either minimal or non existent. Many ways to broach uncomfortable subjects are offered, with scenarios detailing “real” couples and ADD-related problems.

Example: Due to the husband’s procrastination, both Clark and Marilyn were always late to church. Marilyn hated this, and was upset that nothing seemed to work; not nagging, not threats, etc. So they both sat down and tried an exercise that Tschudi puts forth: brainstorm and come up with solutions to the problem, no matter how outrageous. Write them all down and discuss each one.

This couple did just that, and came up with the idea that Marilyn would take her own car to church, thereby arriving on time and avoiding the stress and arguing that inevitably occurred. Both parties were happy.

Now for my problem with this: I’m sure there are a lot of situations where the woman would take herself to church and grow old waiting for her ADD husband to show up. The only thing changing here is the woman’s behavior. No one is helping the ADD’er to manage his issue. And this seems to be the tone of the rest of the book: to save yourself from anguish, realize that the ADD’er is suffering from neurobiology and may never be able to live a “normal” life. You must learn to live with it, and the sooner you realize this, the better.

I showed this to my resident ADD’er, and he was nonplussed. He said that just because the woman made it to the church on time, that didn’t address the man’s procrastination, and possibly even rewarded it. His take on it was this:

“When you tell someone that you no longer expect of them something that you have expected of them in the past, you may be relieving them of a responsibility, but you’re also taking something away from them. That person can feel the respect you lose for him, and he see the chance to repair it vanish when you take away the opportunity for him to get it right. Strong relationships are built upon respect. We fight for that respect when we think we can win it, but when we think that we can’t, the motivation to do anything may be gone. Obviously, both parties have a stake in the husband getting out of the house on time, but if our solution is going to be for nobody to expect anything from anyone, then these people might as well just break up. That would be even better because it would eliminate all of the conflict. Problem solved!”

Another scenario was a do it yourselfer leaving his unfinished projects in the garage, forcing the wife to park on the street. The “solution” was to have her say to him, “In 3 days I’m going to move your stuff so I can park in the garage”. (Apparently the man hated anyone touching his stuff.) Then she was to say. “In 2 days I’m going to park in the garage, so please move your stuff.”

If the project was not moved, the “solution” was to have the WOMAN MOVE IT HERSELF. Sure, Mr Fix It was mad that his things were touched, but that seems to be adding insult to injury to his wife. Not only did her request go unheeded–but she had to clean up his mess to boot! Not acceptable in my house. My resident ADD’er said this:

As for the matter of the garage that needed cleaning, the author concludes her tale by describing the worst possible outcome. Spoiler: the wife cleans the garage herself. She solved the problem by telling the husband to clean the garage by such-and-such date, or else “I’ll clean it myself.” What did this solve? This husband is being dealt with as if he were a particularly indolent 5^th grader. I personally felt embarrassed when Kyle read this passage to me. I said something to the tune of, “I would like to think that this is not a highly recommended way of dealing with me.” We talked about it, and we decided that this book is probably meant for couples with poor communication skills. However, if this is the case, then the book still commits the crime of teaching couples with poor communication skills to deal with each other by acting in antisocial, dysfunctional ways toward each other.

As I continued to read, it seemed as if the only advice being offered me, the non ADD’er, was to understand that this is how the brain works, and the only solution is for ME to change, by not being bothered by the distractability, the mood swings, the unfinished projects, and the empty promises.

This disturbed me. I felt this was akin to putting earplugs in your ears to avoid hearing your child’s tantrum in a crowded restaurant. Yes, AD/HD is neurobiologic in origin, but that doesn’t mean you can try to make your life the best it can be, by taking your meds, listening to those around you, making lists to help you remember, and knowing your triggers. Sure, spouses of ADD’ers need to take care of themselves too, but hiding your head in the sand about problems and offering a bandaid solution is kind of no solution at all.

So, a mixed review on this one. The sub title does say “improving communication and strengthening your relationship”, and I agree that it accomplishes this task well. Many ways are offered for partners to talk and get the lines open for a meaningful dialogue. However, I do feel that eventually, after the talking is over, the bottom line is that the non ADD’er is supposed to feel better about the improved communication but will still be dealing with the issues. The non ADD’er will have developed healthy personal boundaries and the ability to forgive, but that (to me) only goes so far.

Perhaps I’m being a bit harsh, considering my communication skills are excellent; but I was also hoping for more advice than “Your partner has ADD–forgive him for what he does, as he cannot help it”.

Want your own copy? You can pick it up [easyazon_link identifier=”B00DIKV0TY” locale=”US” nw=”y” tag=”gimmethatbook-20″]here[/easyazon_link].

Binary Star by Sarah Gerard

April 7, 2015 / Michael Nail / 0 Comments

From the publisher:

“The language of the stars is the language of the body. Like a star, the anorexic burns fuel that isn’t replenished; she is held together by her own gravity.

“With luminous, lyrical prose, Binary Star is an impassioned account of a young woman struggling with anorexia and her long-distance, alcoholic boyfriend. On a road trip circumnavigating the United States, they stumble into a book on veganarchism, and believe they’ve found a direction.“

Not every book needs to be a masterpiece. If it were so, then there wouldn’t be any pleasure in discovering uncommonly good books. For the most part, it is good enough for a book to merely know what it has set out to do, and to accomplish whatever that is in a capable manner.

Binary Star traces the codependent relationship of an anorexic astrophysics teacher and her alcoholic boyfriend. I say “traces” rather than “follows” because the reader is never allowed to deduce of him or herself what the subtext is. The outlines of every contour of every personality is writ in bold as characters’ outlines are in cartoons. It’s all tell and no show. This deficit is buried underneath layers of poetic prose and obfuscated by astrophysical metaphors that reveal the author’s imperfect understanding of astrophysics. Strip away all of the nonsense, and you would be left with a compelling 40- or 50-page short story. Instead, we have 40 pages of poetry followed by about 120 pages of prose-poetry soup reminiscent of the drunken meandering of Stephen Daedalus in Ulysses without the benefit of James Joyce’s genius.

This book, I presume, had the intention of putting a human face on the struggle of anorexia as it told its tale. However, Binary Star fails to facilitate a bond between the reader and the main character because, telling all and showing little, the book leaves the reader little room to engage her in the way that humans engage each other. We humans come to know each other by startling each other, revealing the mystery of our personalities one or several pieces at a time. There is no way for me to learn about you in a way that will get me emotionally involved if you present your life to me as a series of facts. The layers of poetry and metaphor do not change the fact that Gerard presents her characters to her readers as collections of facts rather than as dynamic, startling individuals.

The final wound on this novel is that the plot, being the strongest part of the tale, has so much difficulty finding its way out from under the heavy coats of language that it takes a back seat to the characters themselves, about who I seemed to know everything but feel nothing.

Gerard’s potential as an author is extraordinary, but I believe that little more than the fact of that potential is on display in this effort. Although I had few positive remarks to offer about Binary Star, I will await the author’s next effort.

Want your own copy? You can pick it up [easyazon_link asin=”1937512258″ locale=”US” new_window=”default” nofollow=”default” tag=”gimmethatbook-20″ add_to_cart=”yes” cloaking=”default” localization=”yes” popups=”yes”]here[/easyazon_link].

Gemini by Carol Cassella (plus INTERVIEW)

February 17, 2015 / Kyle Wendy Skultety / 0 Comments

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Many thanks to author Carol Cassella for gifting me this book in exchange for an honest review. At the bottom of the page there will be a link to a Q&A I did with the author–enjoy!

An unidentified woman is hit by a car and abandoned along a rural highway in western Washington. She is life-flighted to a Seattle trauma center, where she’s admitted to the intensive care unit overseen by Dr. Charlotte Reese, who battles to keep her “Jane Doe” patient alive while a police investigation tries to discover who is responsible for this hit and run—a charge that could turn into murder if this gravely injured woman dies. Charlotte also senses a more covert battle brewing with the hospital’s legal department when they assign a professional guardian to stand in lieu of Jane’s unknown family and make critical decisions about her care. In frustration, Charlotte and her boyfriend Eric, a science journalist, begin their own efforts to find Jane’s family, veering across the professional boundary between physician and patient. As their lives become more entangled, the truths Charlotte learns will radically alter her own life more profoundly than they alter her patient’s.

This book made my heart ache with sorrow and joy so much, that I had to put it down at times to let my feelings ebb away, in order to absorb what was happening next. Cassella strikes a chord as she writes about young love, loss, and coming to terms that your life could be so much more, but isn’t. The separate plot of Raney and Bo, who meet as children and move in and out of each other’s lives, is told as flashbacks, interspersed with the present tale of the nurse Charlotte as she navigates her relationship with Eric while she is trying to find out the identity of Jane Doe. Eric has a health issue that prevents him from being able to commit fully to Charlotte, and she is becoming discouraged. As she learns more about Jane and who she is, she becomes forced to make decisions that will affect the rest of her life, while putting Eric at a crossroads he never wanted to reach. Cassella’s writing allowed me to empathize with Charlotte, and captured the stress and wariness of both partners as they face things that could tear them apart.

However, the story of Raney, a young artist from the poor side of Quentin, Washington, and Bo, who spends a few summers in Quentin with his aunt, is where the story really shines. They grow older and develop feelings for each other that never really fade away, no matter how many times life causes them to part. Each emotion is told with heartbreaking texture, first from Raney’s perspective, then from Bo’s. Life gets in their way, as Raney must care for her ailing grandfather while Bo, from a well to do family, attends college and travels the world.

Each of the four characters must make sacrifices and learn how to make the best out of every situation. Raney, by far, is the one that shines brightly throughout, as a girl who guards her heart and nurtures her feelings for Bo over the years. I was overcome with emotion time and time again, turning pages as quickly as I could to see what would happen to Raney next. I was affected by her story so much I still think about her to this day and feel as if I could cry. Not many fictional characters get under my skin, but Raney did.

Cassella is adroit at mixing medical situations with real life problems, and the story comes to a resolution that is plausible and bittersweet. If you can get to the last page and not be affected, perhaps you had better check to see if your heart still beats within you. These characters will stay with you for a long time. GEMINI is a must read. You can pick up your copy [easyazon_link asin=”1451627939″ locale=”US” new_window=”default” nofollow=”default” tag=”gimmethatbook-20″ add_to_cart=”yes” cloaking=”default” localization=”yes” popups=”yes”]here[/easyazon_link].

Click here to be taken to the page with the EXCLUSIVE interview I did with Carol!

Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? by Gina Pera

October 9, 2014 / Kyle Wendy Skultety / 4 Comments

[easyazon_image add_to_cart=”yes” align=”center” asin=”0981548709″ cloaking=”default” height=”500″ localization=”yes” locale=”US” nofollow=”default” new_window=”default” src=”http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51%2BILx0GlFL.jpg” tag=”gimmethatbook-20″ width=”333″]

After I read The ADHD Effect on Marriage, I searched for similar books. This one kept popping up and seemed to be highly regarded, so I gave it the highest compliment I could: I purchased a copy.

This book is put together very well, and operates under the premise that ADD is not “so much of a disorder of attention as it is a disorder of self-regulation”, according to psychologist Russell Barkley, who wrote the foreword. The theme of the book is the ‘roller coaster’ that both ADD’ers and non experience on a daily basis, and so the chapter headings are related to our favorite amusement park rides. There are three parts; first, what is ADHD and how it affects you/your partner, second, what happens when you hit rock bottom and either decide to get treatment (or not), and three, how to succeed in building your relationship back with different strategies.

As you read, you get the sense that you are part of a support group, as you read other’s stories and get to know what lessons they have learned along the way. The difference between this book and the one I mentioned above, is that this goes into much more detail, with explanations as to WHY these things happen, and HOW to fix them. I found myself highlighting sections, seeing how there are common threads among ADD’ers and their significant others, and even learning more about brain function. Each chapter contains a few ADHD Partner Snapshot graphs, which show the results of surveys taken from 162 responders.

There are chapters devoted to denial, medications, finances, therapy, co-existing disorders, sex, coping skills, and more. Understanding the spectrum of ADHD takes patience, time, and teamwork, and that is the author’s intent. Where The ADD Effect On Marriage told me about the emotions that ADD’ers experience, this book goes deeper. I learned in real people’s words how they dealt with frustration and despair, and how most (but not all) took steps to regain the love and trust they once felt.

I highly recommend this book, as it gives you strategies and sources for help, without being preachy or too glib. The book concentrates on getting help for both the ADD and non ADD partner, without being too touchy feely. Solutions for issues are discussed from all sides, and are eminently able to accomplish.

Interested? [easyazon_link asin=”0981548709″ locale=”US” new_window=”default” nofollow=”default” tag=”gimmethatbook-20″ add_to_cart=”yes” cloaking=”default” localization=”yes” popups=”yes”]You can pick up a copy here.[/easyazon_link]

The ADHD Effect On Marriage by Melissa Orlov

September 15, 2014 / Kyle Wendy Skultety / 0 Comments

Subtitled “Understand and rebuild your relationship in six steps”, this book is mainly geared towards those who are experiencing trouble with their ADD/ADHD mate. Both people in the relationship will see themselves portrayed authentically, with explanations of WHY they are feeling those emotions. The first few chapters explain ADHD–what it is, how the brain is affected, how it is diagnosed, and the insidious ways it can creep into your relationship/marriage and cause trouble. Orlov quotes from, and suggests reading, The Dance of Anger by Harriet G Lerner as a supplement to this book. She also sprinkles the pages with lots of stories and examples from real life men and women working to save their relationship. It’s easy to sense the frustration these people have with ADHD serving as the third wheel in their marriage, and some of the stories are quite depressing.

The second part of the book is the rebuilding part, as Orlov outlines her six steps for fixing what has gone awry. She goes out of her way to explain that it’s not the ADHD causing the person to be “broken”, but a lack of understanding how it affects the brain and how ADHD’ers see the world differently.

The six steps are: cultivating empathy, addressing obstacle emotions, getting treatment for BOTH parties (as the non ADHD’er may experience depression, anger or frustration and become resentful and/or ill), improving communication, setting boundaries, and finally, reigniting romance and having fun. As someone who truly believed that ADHD was just a convenient diagnosis for little boys with ants in their pants, I can say I was literally blown away by this book. My whole way of thinking (these people just needed to focus more, be more organized, stop daydreaming, get discipline) could not have been more wrong. ADHD’ers have heard since they were young that they were “not good enough”, they were “underachieving”, they could be “so much more if you just focused better”, and they feel unloved, abandoned, and frustrated.

I am a very organized person by nature, and dealing with a man with ADHD would be a challenge, for sure. The first step is understanding that MY way is not always the RIGHT way, and ADHD’ers need to do what works best for them. Medication is a great help, but so is communication and coping strategies. Knowing your enemy is the first step to defeating him.

Included with the book are worksheets, tools and resources that can be further utilized. Both people will come away knowing their spouse better, and themselves a little better as well.

This was the first book I read about adult ADD/ADHD, and I learned a great deal. On Goodreads, this book got mixed reviews, and most reviewers suggested reading Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? by Gina Pera as a better source of information and assistance. I’ll be reviewing that in a future post, as I’m currently working through that now. The ADD Effect On Marriage is a good, if simple, book to read to gain understanding of adult ADHD. The advice is pretty sound, and if nothing else, you will see yourself in the anecdotes of those who have experienced a rocky road in their relationship. You will know that you are not alone in this.

[easyazon_link asin=”1886941971″ locale=”US” new_window=”default” nofollow=”default” tag=”gimmethatbook-20″ add_to_cart=”default” cloaking=”default” localization=”yes” popups=”yes”]Know someone with adult ADD? Interested in learning more, even if there is no ADD in your life? Click here to get a copy.[/easyazon_link]